Lucithaver

Today was a day. Kinda felt like everything was out to fuck my brain. I wish people like me could be graceful and elegant  and put together. .. by people like me I mean me, just me. I want to use eloquent words and speak in rhyme and have  witty comebacks and make it all seem so effortless.  But I'm messy. Like a Jackson pollock paint technique. Never consistent in  size or shape, never where exactly you need them to be or how you need them to be. I'm messy. I'm an adult , I should be put together . I should be less annoying to myself. If I can't even like myself, howhich does anyone else even tolerate me. There's this man, let's call him the oros man (this is a legit name),  this man who has some sort of witchcraft hold on me. This man who can get me ridiculously aroused with just words. This man who  cares nought for the likes of a messy, lonley, crazy girl. I hate it of  course, and I cannot bring myself to wish him ill.  What is this ...

So I'm trying to begin blogging again. Chronicling my life and thoughts and hopefully somewhere along the way find a way to settle the restlessness that is supposed to ease with time. Fml  It just gets worse. So ima start with an introduction to me. Hi my name is luci... I have something called Major Depressive Disorder and along with that I have intense anxiety.  So a description I like to explain it is swimming or rather just floating. Picture everyone you know in a giant pool, just floating, heads above the surface, just floating. Peaceful and gentle. Suddenly a wave disturbs the balance... Some people struggle a little, some a lot and others not at all. We all have our own responses to issues. Or waves.. My floating is rather unpredictable. Sometimes for no reason I'm struggling to keep my head above the surface while everyone else seems to be cool. It feels like drowning in misery and ache and sometimes fighting just to stay afloat gets tiring, so fucking tiring th...