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Accountability

My gosh, its been a year and a half since last posting.. What has my life been that I keep starting and leving things half finished and uncared for. I mean if this was a plant, thered be no trace of its existance left.. Gone. Dead. Untracable. So Im attempting to start again. I need to do the things I want to do. Fuck instant gratification and distraction. Im going to listen to my own thoughts.Ive been denying them a voice for too long. ive been painting over them with painful colours and diluting them with unworthy mediums. For too long have I dulled myself with the hopes of temporary relief from a permanent condition. Resenting my brain chemistry is not going to make it go anywhere. Its not going to reset no matter how hard I try to run away from it. Doing several things at once is not going to stop the insidious effects of self hate from destroying all my efforts to stay sane. Im going to do all the things I want to do. Im going to paint, write poetry and songs. Im going to...
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Adulting

Today was a day. Kinda felt like everything was out to fuck my brain. I wish people like me could be graceful and elegant  and put together. .. by people like me I mean me, just me. I want to use eloquent words and speak in rhyme and have  witty comebacks and make it all seem so effortless.  But I'm messy. Like a Jackson pollock paint technique. Never consistent in  size or shape, never where exactly you need them to be or how you need them to be. I'm messy. I'm an adult , I should be put together . I should be less annoying to myself. If I can't even like myself, howhich does anyone else even tolerate me. There's this man, let's call him the oros man (this is a legit name),  this man who has some sort of witchcraft hold on me. This man who can get me ridiculously aroused with just words. This man who  cares nought for the likes of a messy, lonley, crazy girl. I hate it of  course, and I cannot bring myself to wish him ill.  What is this ...
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MDD

So I'm trying to begin blogging again. Chronicling my life and thoughts and hopefully somewhere along the way find a way to settle the restlessness that is supposed to ease with time. Fml  It just gets worse. So ima start with an introduction to me. Hi my name is luci... I have something called Major Depressive Disorder and along with that I have intense anxiety.  So a description I like to explain it is swimming or rather just floating. Picture everyone you know in a giant pool, just floating, heads above the surface, just floating. Peaceful and gentle. Suddenly a wave disturbs the balance... Some people struggle a little, some a lot and others not at all. We all have our own responses to issues. Or waves.. My floating is rather unpredictable. Sometimes for no reason I'm struggling to keep my head above the surface while everyone else seems to be cool. It feels like drowning in misery and ache and sometimes fighting just to stay afloat gets tiring, so fucking tiring th...
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Location: Ermelo
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The issues with being a cry baby

When I was younger, I was always rather emotional. Well I still am. Lol. I suppose the issue is that I feel too much. Anyway, back to my story... I cried a lot when I was younger. Expressing emotions with words was rather difficult, I'm not sure why. Thus all the tears. My mother and father would chastise me for this. Looking back I wonder how much different I'd be if I could have expressed emotion properly. I wonder if I'd still have difficulty explaining to people that I was feeling rather weary instead of trying to pretend to keep everything together. So if I ever have children, I hope I can do the exact opposite of what my parents did. I want to let my kids just be, let them feel what they feel without making them feel guilty for feeling emotion.
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